Thursday, 13 February 2014

Cherry on Cherry


Cherry on cherry
To have you was beyond happy.

It's been 8 weeks from my curette procedure. I lost my baby, anyway. 
Just in case you haven't know.

My eyes still cloudy when I try to tell the story. My head still pounding when remembering how it happened. My heart still shiver when I watched any medical apparatus for surgery. And my lips still drawing a smile when I thought of my baby.

Having him and losing him were the heaviest experience till now. It's pulling all of the emotion I had. From being happy, sad, angry, until the hysterical moment I can't described. It's also made many episode in my last 4 months such as piles of scene with genres I couldn't count to be happened in my life. I never believed horror movies, or slasher or any type of films with too many bloods would be. But then, nothing is impossible. Perhaps, later, I would coolly said "I've been on that place" in a scene with the broken-pregnant-woman-full of blood-in her feet and clothes.

I really wish I could.

Because nonstop and too much crying just so exhausting. There was a moment where I could cry 5-6 times a day, hated praying times because I just can't help crying after shalat. Peoples' words sometimes not too helpful. They tried to cheer me up, but ended by easily judging and/or blaming. I became oversensitive and made distance to the world. I felt insecured and my own home is the only shelter I known, where I could share those desperados with hubby.

I did my ascetic life in home for a month. I reflected to myself over and over. The crying(s) which painful became its own salvation. My mind purified by the silence that the wind offered, the dust brought and the sprout grown. I realized how the micromicron-me-that-placed-in-universe has the specific meaning. I could honestly read myself, why I did and done some foolish act, why I could specifically hated someone, I acknowledged all the past, peacefully accepts the present and now put the effort for the future. 

Reflectively, I admit that in the process of marriage, I have a slightest doubt about how my husband will love me. Our relationship started in a very short time after he broke up with his last girlfriend, and he broke up after 4 years in that relationship. A long duration that
I can't ignored easily, considering how she treated my hubby in post-break-up phase.
Me and hubby started the steps such as engagement to wedding in quite short term. Unsurprising, the utmost question came from people around was: why such in a rush? Are you sure? Both of you are stubborn, how would you handle it? 
I, myself, have questions that I didn't know the answers.

 But it's different after I lost my baby. Now I know why God gave me such confidence to tie the knot with him. If it wasn't him, I might be blacked out in the corner of bathroom, overwhelmed by my own bloods. I don't have any doubt, for now and later. 
My questions been answered, fulfilled perfectly.

Dear hubby, you are cherry on cherry.
Thank you for being there, even in the saddest story.

2 comments:

Ratna Wahyu said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Vinka. Semoga Allah segera memberikan kepercayaan itu lagi. Aamiin *peluk*

Vinka Maharani said...

Maturnuwun mbak Na.. =) Aamiiiin...

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