Vous avez poser des questions?
12:13:00"Do you want to ask some question?"
That's a line of my French teacher, after she did explain the lesson. Regularly.
Question is simple thing, common and will always exist in our daily life. I believe every question had its own answer. Even the silence, were an answer too. Or the tears, when the answer's unbearable to be shouted. And at this point, I feel terrible, because I can't find the answer of my mom's simple question. It's a seriously simple question:
"What will you do with your Master certificate, if you graduated, in Surabaya?"
At the time, I froze in some seconds, and answer it as what comes from my mouth, not my brain, nor my heart. And I know, that's not the true answer.
I know, I could answer "being a consultant, worked with the company or client, etc, etc" but inside my heart I want to be an entrepreneur, starting my own business, grow it day by day. I want to have my own company. But then the next question popped up:
"To start business, you don't have to learn Master right? Why don't you start it now? Why bother finding scholarship? You've already have the gut, the plan, why don't you do it?"
A reason that answers: Because my Bopo WANT me to. He compared my education with my sisters. He reminded me about my goal at the beginning, why I took acceleration class, why I sprint on my college: to get highest education that I could reach in a shortest time. It becomes hurting me much more when he asked:
"Are you giving up? Don't you wanna try a little harder, for yourself, for your goal, for ME?"
Since 7 years ago, when I decided to study in Surabaya, I've already had a hard discussion with my parents. Since then, I don't wanna argue too much again, I don't wanna hurt their feelings. I'm their youngest child, I'm the child with the shortest time to run with them. I just want to make they happy. For God sake, they are getting older by the time, and it is a sin for me if I being an egoist and just think about myself, at all. But sacrificing (again), it also hurt me.
Is it a mistake if we found a new goal in our life?
Is it wrong to turn your path in a middle of journey?
All of the questions haunted me till now. My long silent night before I slept run out to think the answer, the decision. I became an insomniac. My body exhausted.
I hate complainer, but this post really grumbling. I'm sorry. I can't handle it.
I am perfectionist. I want everything's perfect, at least in my standard. I want everyone's happy, even I know it's impossible. I think it's a curse for me, asking a perfect in this imperfect world.
Dieu, pardonnez-moi, votre péché paysanne
I have to finished the questions.
I have to do it all alone.
I want everyone's happy: my parents, my husband-to-be, my family.
And the last, I want to be happy too.
Guide me into the lights
Show the right straight path
I'm the helpless, I surrender on Thou
I'm the careless, all power on Thou
Lend me the bravery, to choose
Give me the armory, to loose
On Thou I lean, I ask the keen
Amen.
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